Here is a regular Ben Hur of a production, over 10 mins long, compliments of Gardenfork.tv and starring Eric the really informal gardener, his two golden retrievers, one frisbee and the spooky voice of the Witch Of The Woods. The average full-length movie is about 100 minutes long so you must know that this is a long, long video in internet video terms. You are going to get to know these people well, perhaps much better than you’d like.

In return you will be shown how to make a raised garden bed which, at the end of the day, is just a 2″ x 12″ x 12′ rough lumber box (treat the lumber with linseed if you must) and placed on the surface of the yard (with or without galvanized screening pinned to the bottom to keep out moles) and then filled with composted manure and suchlike. We are never told why one would want to have a raised garden bed (except the vole and mole problem we surmise) but we certainly do get to see Rover and Bonzo running for that frisbee as the Witch Of The Weeds chortles into the mike and black flies infest the lens….

Come back Robert Redford, all is forgiven.

Somewhere down in Texas one winter, a man looked at the camera to tell us about the two types of irrigation you can use for your raised garden bed. According to the man with the winter grass stretching out behind him, compliments of ExpertVillage and YouTube, you can have Precision Button Irrigation (for directing water to a specific area) and Laser Drip Irrigation (for soaking a wide area).

Button irrigation involves small pipes leading off a main hose with a button at the base to control the flow of dripping water. Laser irrigation is a long, thin pipe with laser holes drilled all over it allowing water to leak all over the required area. If you want a short visit down south for some contrasting visuals and some very basic information, spend 1 minute, 53 seconds checking out Mr. “Lone Star” Irrigation.

No, this is NOT a video about snails that are really controlling, insisting that you take out the trash and be in by a certain time and stuff like that. To the contrary. This is an overview of the variety of measures available to discourage snails and slugs in your garden by killing them. Sadly, there is not silver bullet for getting rid of those destructive critters once and for all. If there were, this lady would have told us so.

Kimmie Haworth of the National Gardening Association talks like someone whose life’s mission is to control snails. She really hates them, and gets really excited when talking about how these silent menaces just love the wet weather “cos they can slide around in your garden eating all the goodies out of your plants.”

Kimmie recommends a whole armory of products and techniques for controlling snails. Note that this video is not called “Getting Rid of Snails Permanently.” A pity.

Kimmie says you can use chemical grains or pellets, liquids, organic substances (I love the one called Sluggo – isn’t that a great name?) or salt. I get the feeling Kimmie is saying that snails and slugs are so persistent that you had better use all of these at once. Or you can make snails feel completely uncomfortable and totally unwelcome by casting crushed eggshells or fireplace ashes around the garden. Kimmie says: “Snails don’t like rough things on their feet.” Feet? Oh well.

Kimmie even mentions salt as a snail and slug control measure but concedes that the results are “psychadelic.”

Finally, Kimmie says plain violence will also work. “Snails like to hide under things,” she says, seizing a pottery bowl. “Such as for instance under this. So lift things to find them and then..” Kimmie puts down the bowl and squirms it around a bit. “..squeeze them to death.” Wow, Kimmie, you really ARE controlling…

In just 52 seconds, Jeff and Heather Lacroix of Louisiana introduce you to a new method of killling ants. It is safe for your plants and safe for other critters too – no poisons to be picked up by animals and children. The way you get rid of an anthill on your lawn is, why, with Southern Hospitality. Sprinkle some breakfast grits over the nest, allowing a generous helping for each ant. As Jeff explains in a Southern drawl, “the ants eat the grits and feel nice and full, but then they explode!” Admittedly this is not a scientifically proven ant removal method but for the price of a bit of grits it’s worth a try. And, no, on the video you don’t get to see ants exploding! You do get some nice Vivaldi music though.

Looking for other proven natural and organic methods of killing ants and fire ants? Check here.