Oprah’s younger, lovelier sister, Pattie Moreno, a.k.a. The Garden Girl for Farmer’s Almanac TV, tells us that you can have a lovely indoor garden in just 6′ x 14′ of “linear space.”

I don’t know what linear space is compared to, say, other types of space, but it sure was miraculous seeing her restore those tables and chairs with shellac, put up shelves and install fluorescent lights, all of this in just 3 mins and 16 seconds and for under $200 “half what you spend on an instant indoor garden kit,” said Patti. This was only Part 1 so I guess Patti gets to the plants themselves in Part 2.

This is a short, sweet introduction to planting bulbs with a superscript that says: “Bulbs are a great way to add colour to your garden all year round. Charlie Dimmock shows you how to spot a good bulb and how best to plant them.” Well, I though Charlie would be a knobbled-fingered man but it turned out to be a redheaded lady kneeling in an overgrown garden in England somewhere.

Charlie told me several things I never knew about bulbs. First, you get the hardy and non-hardy types, so ask you garden center about which is which. Second, “bulbs” is a misnomer. They are either corms or tubers. Third, you plant begonia corms with the hollow side facing up. Fourth, a healthy corm is fat, round and hard (like a good garlic bulb). Fifth, you plant bulbs at three times their depth. Sixth, if you have heavy clay soil put a layer of grit at the bottom of the hole to prevent the bulbs lying in moisture. And seventh, you plant summer-flowering bulbs in early spring and winter-flowering bulbs in early autumn.

It was well worth spending a couple of minutes seeing how it’s done.

Soilman, the presenter on this video, could stand only 58 seconds of demonstration. The reason for this was a large bag of chickensh..t. Yes, that’s what it takes to really get your compost heap into the stratosphere. Soilman, a gardener of British origin judging from his accent and sense of humor, opened the bagfull of chickensh..t his Mom donated him — “Thanks, Mum,” he said — and with visible paroxysms of revulsion emptied the bag into the compost bin. Reeling, he managed to say: “Anything that smells that bad must be good.”

Soilman then advised that you need to spread it all around, and then tried to follow his own counsel, but was unable to do so. “I can’t really,” he said in a strangled voice, “It’s all congealed and disgusting. The smell is outrageous.” He staggered backward from the bin and then rallied somewhat to deliver this parting shot was: “It (chickensh..t) is packed full of nitrogen so don’t put it on anything until it has rotted down well or it will burn the plants. You have been warned.”

Indeed we have.

Eric of www.gardenfork.tv fame is here to teach us about growing carrots but, as usual, it’s a bit of a cookie affair involving two labradors, a frisbee and the Invisible Witch of the Woods who I would REALLY love to see one day. Eric does not claim to be any kind of carrot farmer or even carrot gardener. In fact, he makes it clear that, in his view, planting carrots is not a financially sensible thing to do. They cost $.99 a bunch down at the store and $4 a packet of seeds. Why would you go through all the labor and difficulty just to feed carrots to a horse? Don’t know.

Eric is some kind of stoked gardener. He actually gives very detailed lessons about THINGS HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT and yet it can be more-ish viewing. One finds oneself wondering: is he stoked? is he tired? is he hungover? is he trying to be funny? is he really funny? what is he doing? Don’t go here to learn anything at all about carrot growing. But do go to spend a bit of time with a weird couple, their dogs, a dog toy, a lake and a reading from Monty Don, a writer who really does know about carrots and a lot else besides.